He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
