can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
