I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
