I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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