it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
