My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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