life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
