why im i the only drunk person in the library?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
