she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize