you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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