My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
