Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
