I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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