I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
