So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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