So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
