i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
