I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
