38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
