I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you didnt know i had herpes?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
