I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
