and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
