either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
