I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
