I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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