I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
