I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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