I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
