WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
