He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
