hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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