He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its liver damage thursday
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
