You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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