They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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