best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
