if i can run in heels then i can drive
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
