and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
