I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
