Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
