What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
