If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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