i barfeds in our rink
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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