You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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