non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
