highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
