He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
