Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
