Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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