3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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