I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
