Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
