he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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