The maid of honor just puked.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
