im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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