I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
