When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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